Sunday, November 8, 2009

Michael Lohan tried to sell Lindsay recordings for $100,000

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You have to watch the video and see and hear Michael to really understand why it’s absolutely necessary I punch him in the face. Normally I go with something a little more vague and gentle, like “I wanna kick him in the ear,” or “I’d like to step on his stomach.” But whenever I do that I’m always thinking how I’d really love punch that person in the face. And with Michael Lohan, I’ve just got to say it. He needs to be punched. A lot. I’ll give the requisite disclaimer that you shouldn’t. But oh my God would I understand it. Just saying.

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If that all weren’t enough, Michael also says that God is taking Lindsay’s career away from her. You remember that part of the Bible, where God is talking to that douchebaggy guy and is all, “Thou shouldn’t snort things up thou’s nose. And if thou doest, I shall smite you with straight-to-DVD film roles.” (That was a little bit of old school God and a little bit of Shakespeare).

After the first tape was released, Lindsay tweeted that her father was a “loser.” On her Twitter site yesterday, in an apparent reference to her mom, LiLo tweeted, “She blames herself for staying w/him for so long, I’d beg her not to leave b/c he always threatened to kill her if she did.”

But Michael told The Post’s Rita Delfiner, “That’s a lie. I guess Lindsay is on more drugs than I thought to say something like that. Now I’m going to release more recordings that prove everything she is saying is nothing more than a bunch of lies.

“No wonder why God is taking her entire career away from her,” Michael continued. “Because she’s forsaken everything He’s given her and she’s done nothing but misuse all the gifts she’s given.”

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Oh the sanctimony. It is perfectly God-like and Christian to escalate things in a childish war of retaliation with your own daughter. But if she says things about you that you don’t like (and which may well be true), then God’s taking her career away.

You just know this isn’t going to end well. “Well” would be Lindsay going into rehab. And Michael falling down an elevator shaft or something. But the way this drama is escalating, it feels inevitable that pretty soon we reach the climax. I think everyone can see it but the Lohans.

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